The amnio results came back on March 24th. The baby does not have Trisomy 13, 18 or 21. We also found out that we were having a little boy. We were thrilled. We called people who knew that we were having the amnio and told them that the baby was fine. We finally told our children and they were so excited. My parents had come out to be with us while we waited for news. We went out to dinner that night and celebrated. We spent most of the evening discussing baby names.
I had gotten a fetal doppler through the mail, and I checked his heartbeat on Monday. It was 155. Tuesday evening, I checked it again. It took a little while to find it, but I finally did, and it was 155. Wednesday, I decided to wait a day or two between checks, and so I didn't check it that day. I went out and ran a couple errands with my sister and my mom.
Thursday, I woke up and I just felt like something was wrong. I got out my fetal doppler and looked for his heartbeat. I searched for 10 minutes, and I couldn't find it. I started to panic, but I decided to try and look again. Still nothing. I tried to tell myself that I just couldn't find it because I wasn't looking in the right place. But I was worried enough that I decided to call the dr. The dr's office called back and said to come in. When I got there, they said they would do an ultrasound, but the ultrasound room was being used, and it would be a little while. I had called my husband and asked him to come to my appointment, so he was with me.
We finally got called to the ultrasound room. I was still trying to convince myself that everything was going to be o.k. We had been through so much with this pregnancy, and we had just found out that he didn't have Trisomy 18. He was o.k. He just had to be.
But as soon as the dr. started the ultrasound, I knew. I said "He isn't moving, is he? And there isn't a heartbeat, is there?" And the dr. said "I'm sorry, but he is gone." I turned to look at my husband, and tears were running down his face.
On Thursday, March 27th, at 5:00 pm, we went over to the hospital to start the induction. They didn't start the medication until about 7:30 pm. At 5:09 am, on March 28th, 2008, Christopher John was born silently into the world.
During my time at the hospital, especially during the delivery, I was blessed with wonderful, caring nurses. My doctor was wonderful.
We left the hospital yesterday. They gave us a baby blanket and a box that contained his footprints, his birth certificate, and other momentos of his birth. We will be having a funeral service for him on Tuesday.
I'm feeling a million emotions and I'm sure I will continue to feel them for a long time.
I miss him.
-Andie & Christopher (born and died at 17 weeks, 4 days)
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
I had the ultrasound and amnio on Tuesday
I did have my ultrasound & amnio on Tuesday.
There was some potential good news. The specialist did an detailed ultrasound before the amnio. The baby measures on track or ahead of my dates. He saw a 4 chamber heart, a 3 vessel cord, a nasal bone, no cysts on the brain, no spina bifida, etc. He said that if he had seen me just to do the ultrasound, that he would conclude that the baby was a completely normal, healthy baby.
He then gave us the option of doing the amnio now based on the fact that we had a very normal ultrasound. It definitely made the decision much more difficult, but in the end, we decided to go ahead with it. I just felt like I needed to know FOR SURE one way or another, that either the baby was o.k. or it wasn't. At first, I really wanted to believe that the bloodwork was just wrong, and everything was fine, and I didn't need to do the amnio, but I've read enough stories where the ultrasounds didn't show any markers, but yet the baby still had Trisomy 18, so I decided to do it.
I won't lie, for me, the amnio was very uncomfortable. I also had like a constant contraction for several hours afterwards. But by the next morning, the pain was gone. I've had no bleeding or leaking. It's also been really tough because since I had the amnio, I haven't felt anything that I could definitely say "Yep, that's movement" and I was feeling plenty of movement before. It is hard not to worry. I know that everything is most likely o.k., and I'm only 16 weeks anyway, so it isn't like I "should" be feeling consistent movement, but since I was feeling consistent movement last week, and now I'm not really feeling any, it definitely makes me paranoid. I did have a quick check-up at my OBs yesterday though, and they heard the heartbeat, so I'm trying to be reassured by that.
The dr. said he wasn't sure whether my insurance would pay for FISH (preliminary results that test for Trisomy 13, 18 & 21) results. He said that he would submit them, and if they paid for it, we would hear Thursday or Friday, but the office is closed now, so I won't hear anything until next week, even if the FISH results come in. Hopefully Monday. If they don't do FISH, it will be Wed-Thursday of next week. I'm trying to be patient. It seems like all I do is wait anymore anyway.
-Andie (16W2D)
There was some potential good news. The specialist did an detailed ultrasound before the amnio. The baby measures on track or ahead of my dates. He saw a 4 chamber heart, a 3 vessel cord, a nasal bone, no cysts on the brain, no spina bifida, etc. He said that if he had seen me just to do the ultrasound, that he would conclude that the baby was a completely normal, healthy baby.
He then gave us the option of doing the amnio now based on the fact that we had a very normal ultrasound. It definitely made the decision much more difficult, but in the end, we decided to go ahead with it. I just felt like I needed to know FOR SURE one way or another, that either the baby was o.k. or it wasn't. At first, I really wanted to believe that the bloodwork was just wrong, and everything was fine, and I didn't need to do the amnio, but I've read enough stories where the ultrasounds didn't show any markers, but yet the baby still had Trisomy 18, so I decided to do it.
I won't lie, for me, the amnio was very uncomfortable. I also had like a constant contraction for several hours afterwards. But by the next morning, the pain was gone. I've had no bleeding or leaking. It's also been really tough because since I had the amnio, I haven't felt anything that I could definitely say "Yep, that's movement" and I was feeling plenty of movement before. It is hard not to worry. I know that everything is most likely o.k., and I'm only 16 weeks anyway, so it isn't like I "should" be feeling consistent movement, but since I was feeling consistent movement last week, and now I'm not really feeling any, it definitely makes me paranoid. I did have a quick check-up at my OBs yesterday though, and they heard the heartbeat, so I'm trying to be reassured by that.
The dr. said he wasn't sure whether my insurance would pay for FISH (preliminary results that test for Trisomy 13, 18 & 21) results. He said that he would submit them, and if they paid for it, we would hear Thursday or Friday, but the office is closed now, so I won't hear anything until next week, even if the FISH results come in. Hopefully Monday. If they don't do FISH, it will be Wed-Thursday of next week. I'm trying to be patient. It seems like all I do is wait anymore anyway.
-Andie (16W2D)
Saturday, March 01, 2008
The waiting is killing me
I really don't know how I will make it. I am very frustrated that I was told this after the time that I could do CVS. We definitely would have done that and we already would have had the results. Instead, it is just one long day after another, and it is still 17 days until the actual amnio, then two days to get the FISH results (preliminary results that will be able to tell us if the baby has trisomy 13, 18 or 21). Not to mention, when I asked the nurse about getting FISH results, the nurse couldn't really tell me if they even do FISH results. And even if the FISH results are positive, we have to wait 7-10 days for the full results. We are most likely looking at the end of March at least. I've talked to my parents and they are coming out on the 20th of March, but who knows if we will have any results during the time that they are here.
I called the other day and got my actual numbers. My hCG and my PAPP-A should be around 1.0. My hCG MoM is .58 which is bad, but it isn't as troubling as my PAPP-A MoM number. My PAPP-A MoM number is .21. In the clinical studies, etc. that I've looked at, I saw nothing that indicated anything good with a PAPP-A number that was below .3.
I honestly have very little hope at this point for good news. There just isn't any good news out there with a decreased hCG AND a decreased PAPP-A, and mine just aren't decreased, they are very low. My PAPP-A is in the less than 1% range . That means more than 99% of people have a PAPP-A higher than mine. I think my hCG is below the 5% level. Everything just points to the very real liklihood that this baby has trisomy 18. And I know that these are just numbers and don't mean anything definitively, but it is so hard to hold on to hope when nothing leads me to believe that I should. If the baby does have trisomy 18, all of the options are heartbreaking.
We decided not to tell our children until after we knew that things were fine, and now we don't think that they are, so we decided that we aren't going to tell them about the pregnancy yet, and so I'm just trying to keep all of this from them, including any future plans that we need to make. Lots of people from our church know that I'm on bedrest because of the placenta problem and so I have begged them not to say anything about the pregnancy where my children are, but I am afraid that someone will slip.
This is so hard.
-Andie (13 weeks 3 days)
I called the other day and got my actual numbers. My hCG and my PAPP-A should be around 1.0. My hCG MoM is .58 which is bad, but it isn't as troubling as my PAPP-A MoM number. My PAPP-A MoM number is .21. In the clinical studies, etc. that I've looked at, I saw nothing that indicated anything good with a PAPP-A number that was below .3.
I honestly have very little hope at this point for good news. There just isn't any good news out there with a decreased hCG AND a decreased PAPP-A, and mine just aren't decreased, they are very low. My PAPP-A is in the less than 1% range . That means more than 99% of people have a PAPP-A higher than mine. I think my hCG is below the 5% level. Everything just points to the very real liklihood that this baby has trisomy 18. And I know that these are just numbers and don't mean anything definitively, but it is so hard to hold on to hope when nothing leads me to believe that I should. If the baby does have trisomy 18, all of the options are heartbreaking.
We decided not to tell our children until after we knew that things were fine, and now we don't think that they are, so we decided that we aren't going to tell them about the pregnancy yet, and so I'm just trying to keep all of this from them, including any future plans that we need to make. Lots of people from our church know that I'm on bedrest because of the placenta problem and so I have begged them not to say anything about the pregnancy where my children are, but I am afraid that someone will slip.
This is so hard.
-Andie (13 weeks 3 days)
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
I'm not feeling reassured
I know two people who have had trisomy 18 babies. Neither of them carried to term. I e-mailed them today about my results and they were both concerned. Really concerned. The blood test IS just a screening and doesn't guarantee that I will have a baby with trisomy 18, but they felt that it is probably likely that I am carrying a baby with trisomy 18, especially with those odds. I told my husband about the appointment and then about what the people said. We are both just kind of numb.
It seems like I am forever waiting with this pregnancy. Now I have to wait for three weeks for amnio and at least a week after that to get results. I won't know anything definitive for a month.
I probably won't update this blog for awhile unless there is something definitive to report. At least until after my appointment. It is March 18th at 1 pm. I won't know anything until then, and probably not much that day either. It doesn't seem like it would do much good to write anything until then since it would just be posts about worrying and stressing about not knowing about whether we are going to have to make a really difficult decision.
- Andie (12 weeks 6 days)
It seems like I am forever waiting with this pregnancy. Now I have to wait for three weeks for amnio and at least a week after that to get results. I won't know anything definitive for a month.
I probably won't update this blog for awhile unless there is something definitive to report. At least until after my appointment. It is March 18th at 1 pm. I won't know anything until then, and probably not much that day either. It doesn't seem like it would do much good to write anything until then since it would just be posts about worrying and stressing about not knowing about whether we are going to have to make a really difficult decision.
- Andie (12 weeks 6 days)
Good news is that the baby looked o.k. yesterday
I had a quick appointment with my OB yesterday. He did a super quick ultrasound and said yes, I have a low-lying placenta, yes, I need to be on bedrest for a couple weeks. See you in 3 weeks.
Then I had an appointment with a maternal-fetal specialist today. That went - interesting.
He showed me my blood results in terms of the risk. My risk came back for down's syndrome with a risk of 1/150, with the cut off being 1/250 for a negative, but said that for my age, the risk of 1/150 was pretty good. Then he showed me my results for trisomy 18 and the risk was 1/10 with the cut-off being 1/100 for a negative. I was very concerned and said as much to the dr. He said "Yes, we like to see a higher number, but this part of the test has a pretty high false positive." He said that I was in between genetic tests right now - I was too far along for CVS and not far enough for amnio. Trisomy 18 is otherwise known as Edward's syndrome, and most of the babies born with it die in utero. Those that make it to birth usually die shortly after birth. It is basically not compatible with life.
He said that he would do an ultrasound today to check for any problems, but it was a little early to see anything definite in terms of markers for Trisomy 21 (Down's Syndrome) or Trisomy 18. So he did the ultrasound and he measured the head and said that it was the right size, and he could see the heart and there was a normal heartbeat (155 beats per minute), he could see all arms and legs and they were the right length, he could see the bladder, and the stomach, and he could see a nasal bone. At the end, he said that he didn't see any markers for either trisomy, particularly trisomy 21, but repeated that it was still a little early to see anything definitively. He told me that I had some options - I could come back in 3 weeks and get an amnio. I could come back in 3 weeks and have another ultrasound to look for markers, and another one at 20 weeks for markers. Or I could decide to do no further testing/screening.
I asked if I could do an ultrasound at 16 weeks and then decide after that whether I wanted to do an amnio and he said yes, we could do that, so that is the plan right now. Although the more I think about it, I think that I'm probably going to have the amnio no matter what, so that we will know for sure.
So at this point, I'll have the ultrasound/amnio in three weeks. I won't get results from the amnio for at least 10 days after that. So I have over a month before I will know whether this baby has any genetic problems, and at this point, according to my blood test, there is a 10% chance that there is. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't worried. Really worried.
-Andie (12 weeks 6 days)
Then I had an appointment with a maternal-fetal specialist today. That went - interesting.
He showed me my blood results in terms of the risk. My risk came back for down's syndrome with a risk of 1/150, with the cut off being 1/250 for a negative, but said that for my age, the risk of 1/150 was pretty good. Then he showed me my results for trisomy 18 and the risk was 1/10 with the cut-off being 1/100 for a negative. I was very concerned and said as much to the dr. He said "Yes, we like to see a higher number, but this part of the test has a pretty high false positive." He said that I was in between genetic tests right now - I was too far along for CVS and not far enough for amnio. Trisomy 18 is otherwise known as Edward's syndrome, and most of the babies born with it die in utero. Those that make it to birth usually die shortly after birth. It is basically not compatible with life.
He said that he would do an ultrasound today to check for any problems, but it was a little early to see anything definite in terms of markers for Trisomy 21 (Down's Syndrome) or Trisomy 18. So he did the ultrasound and he measured the head and said that it was the right size, and he could see the heart and there was a normal heartbeat (155 beats per minute), he could see all arms and legs and they were the right length, he could see the bladder, and the stomach, and he could see a nasal bone. At the end, he said that he didn't see any markers for either trisomy, particularly trisomy 21, but repeated that it was still a little early to see anything definitively. He told me that I had some options - I could come back in 3 weeks and get an amnio. I could come back in 3 weeks and have another ultrasound to look for markers, and another one at 20 weeks for markers. Or I could decide to do no further testing/screening.
I asked if I could do an ultrasound at 16 weeks and then decide after that whether I wanted to do an amnio and he said yes, we could do that, so that is the plan right now. Although the more I think about it, I think that I'm probably going to have the amnio no matter what, so that we will know for sure.
So at this point, I'll have the ultrasound/amnio in three weeks. I won't get results from the amnio for at least 10 days after that. So I have over a month before I will know whether this baby has any genetic problems, and at this point, according to my blood test, there is a 10% chance that there is. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't worried. Really worried.
-Andie (12 weeks 6 days)
Monday, February 25, 2008
Today's the day
I am 12 weeks 5 days today. This is the day in my last pregnancy when I found out that the baby had died.
Thankfully, I have a dr's appointment today, so I should be able to find out whether or not this baby is doing o.k.
It's been a wild few days. I had another bleeding episode on Thursday. With the dr. still out of town until today, they couldn't bring me in to do an ultrasound. So they ended up sending me to the hospital and going straight to radiology instead of going through the ER. The tech was looking for signs of why I was bleeding and she wasn't looking at the baby at first, and I literally almost hyperventilated with worry because I thought something was wrong with the baby. But then she went over by the baby, and the baby is fine.
The causes of the bleeding are low-lying placenta and I have a small hematoma in my placenta. The tech called over to the dr's office, and the nurse said that I needed to be on complete bedrest for two weeks. But the good news is that most of the time, as the uterus grows, the placenta moves and the bleeding stops. The bleed should heal over time too.
I'm, of course, still a little worried, but nobody seems to be overly concerned, so I'm trying to relax as much as possible.
Oh, I also got the results back from my blood test that they did during my nuchal fold test and it came back with a positive result. This is the same thing that happened to my sister a few weeks ago. The nurse said that most likely my age is the the thing that made my result come back positive, but they want to have me see a high risk dr anyway. Partly because of these results, but also because of my age, my number of miscarriages, and now this placenta issue. So I have a dr. appt with the high risk dr. tomorrow.
I will probably get an ultrasound today and again tomorrow with the high risk dr. I've certainly got plenty of peeks at this little one.
Cross your fingers that everything is still going o.k.
-Andie (12 weeks 5 days)
Thankfully, I have a dr's appointment today, so I should be able to find out whether or not this baby is doing o.k.
It's been a wild few days. I had another bleeding episode on Thursday. With the dr. still out of town until today, they couldn't bring me in to do an ultrasound. So they ended up sending me to the hospital and going straight to radiology instead of going through the ER. The tech was looking for signs of why I was bleeding and she wasn't looking at the baby at first, and I literally almost hyperventilated with worry because I thought something was wrong with the baby. But then she went over by the baby, and the baby is fine.
The causes of the bleeding are low-lying placenta and I have a small hematoma in my placenta. The tech called over to the dr's office, and the nurse said that I needed to be on complete bedrest for two weeks. But the good news is that most of the time, as the uterus grows, the placenta moves and the bleeding stops. The bleed should heal over time too.
I'm, of course, still a little worried, but nobody seems to be overly concerned, so I'm trying to relax as much as possible.
Oh, I also got the results back from my blood test that they did during my nuchal fold test and it came back with a positive result. This is the same thing that happened to my sister a few weeks ago. The nurse said that most likely my age is the the thing that made my result come back positive, but they want to have me see a high risk dr anyway. Partly because of these results, but also because of my age, my number of miscarriages, and now this placenta issue. So I have a dr. appt with the high risk dr. tomorrow.
I will probably get an ultrasound today and again tomorrow with the high risk dr. I've certainly got plenty of peeks at this little one.
Cross your fingers that everything is still going o.k.
-Andie (12 weeks 5 days)
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Drama and Telling (m)
Well, after seeing the baby on Thursday, and starting to feel hopeful and like I really might have this baby at the end of August, then all of a sudden, it seemed like it might not happen.
We left for church and got there a few minutes before it started. I decided to go to the bathroom before it started. I was bleeding. I went back and told my husband, but decided to just hope that it would just slow down. Within a couple of minutes, I could tell that it was getting much worse, and I was really, really scared, and I was assuming the worst.
We took the kids home and called my mother-in-law to ask her to watch the children while we went to the hospital. Of course, we had to tell her why we were going. We also had to tell a couple of people at church because we both teach classes on Sunday, so we told a couple people before we left for the hospital.
The ER doc examined me and said that there was some blood but that I wasn't dilated, which was good. He sent me for an ultrasound. I was still assuming the worst. The person started the ultrasound and I couldn't see anything. I couldn't breathe. Finally, she said that the baby looked fine. She showed me the screen and there was the baby, moving around and with a heartbeat of 155. She said that she couldn't see any reason for the bleeding. The ER doc didn't seem to have any ideas where the bleeding was coming from either. They sent me home with instructions for strict bedrest for two days and no lifting for at least a week.
I told one of my best IRL (in real life) friends, and she told a couple other people who arranged to bring us dinner for this week. I finally decided that I needed to call a few more people so that it wouldn't look like I was excluding people.
It was not the way that I wanted to tell people. "Yes, we are pregnant. Yes, I'm having complications and we aren't sure if things will be o.k."
My dr. is out of town until next Monday, so the nurses said to just continue with the recommendations from the ER doc, and call if the bleeding gets worse. So far, I haven't had any bleeding since this Monday. I have an appointment on Monday to see my dr. I will be 12 weeks, 5 days. I had a dr. appointment during my last pregnancy at 12 weeks and 5 days, and that was when I found out that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. I am terrified that it is all going to happen again.
On the other hand, I'm doing everything that I can do, which isn't much. If I'm going to have a miscarriage, there isn't a lot to do to stop it. But I really hope that everything ends up o.k. I've started to become a little excited about this pregnancy. Please let everything be o.k.
-Andie (12 weeks)
We left for church and got there a few minutes before it started. I decided to go to the bathroom before it started. I was bleeding. I went back and told my husband, but decided to just hope that it would just slow down. Within a couple of minutes, I could tell that it was getting much worse, and I was really, really scared, and I was assuming the worst.
We took the kids home and called my mother-in-law to ask her to watch the children while we went to the hospital. Of course, we had to tell her why we were going. We also had to tell a couple of people at church because we both teach classes on Sunday, so we told a couple people before we left for the hospital.
The ER doc examined me and said that there was some blood but that I wasn't dilated, which was good. He sent me for an ultrasound. I was still assuming the worst. The person started the ultrasound and I couldn't see anything. I couldn't breathe. Finally, she said that the baby looked fine. She showed me the screen and there was the baby, moving around and with a heartbeat of 155. She said that she couldn't see any reason for the bleeding. The ER doc didn't seem to have any ideas where the bleeding was coming from either. They sent me home with instructions for strict bedrest for two days and no lifting for at least a week.
I told one of my best IRL (in real life) friends, and she told a couple other people who arranged to bring us dinner for this week. I finally decided that I needed to call a few more people so that it wouldn't look like I was excluding people.
It was not the way that I wanted to tell people. "Yes, we are pregnant. Yes, I'm having complications and we aren't sure if things will be o.k."
My dr. is out of town until next Monday, so the nurses said to just continue with the recommendations from the ER doc, and call if the bleeding gets worse. So far, I haven't had any bleeding since this Monday. I have an appointment on Monday to see my dr. I will be 12 weeks, 5 days. I had a dr. appointment during my last pregnancy at 12 weeks and 5 days, and that was when I found out that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. I am terrified that it is all going to happen again.
On the other hand, I'm doing everything that I can do, which isn't much. If I'm going to have a miscarriage, there isn't a lot to do to stop it. But I really hope that everything ends up o.k. I've started to become a little excited about this pregnancy. Please let everything be o.k.
-Andie (12 weeks)
Friday, February 15, 2008
Baby looks good (m)
My husband went to the ultrasound with me, which surprised me a little bit, but I was so glad that he came with me. I mean, everything was fine, but it was just nice to have him there.
At first, the baby was sleeping, which kind of concerned me, because during my last pregnancy, I went in for my NT test, and the baby was sleeping, and they could not get the baby to wake up, and then a week or so later, there was no heartbeat, and they estimated that the baby had died just a couple days after the test. But they had me suck on a peppermint candy and the baby woke up and started moving all over the place. The heartrate was 160. The baby was 5 cm, and measuring at more like 11 weeks, 6 days when I was 11 weeks, 1 day. The nuchal fold measurement was 1.7 mm, which according to my doctor is "very good". They did a blood test too, and the nuchal fold measurement will be combined with the results of the blood test and they will give me my risk of having a baby with genetic problems. I'm hoping for the best. I should have the results in a week.
We have decided to wait and find out the results from the bloodtest and to then make a decision on amnio. I think we are both leaning on not doing it at this point.
I asked to come in to the office in two weeks for a heartbeat check which would put me at just past the date of my last miscarriage. (I'll be 13 weeks in two weeks and my last miscarriage was at 12 weeks 5 days.) I'm hoping that if I hear the heartbeat then, I'll start to worry a little bit less. I can always hope, right?
Some days, I'm still like "I'm pregnant?????????"
- Andie (11 weeks, 2 days)
At first, the baby was sleeping, which kind of concerned me, because during my last pregnancy, I went in for my NT test, and the baby was sleeping, and they could not get the baby to wake up, and then a week or so later, there was no heartbeat, and they estimated that the baby had died just a couple days after the test. But they had me suck on a peppermint candy and the baby woke up and started moving all over the place. The heartrate was 160. The baby was 5 cm, and measuring at more like 11 weeks, 6 days when I was 11 weeks, 1 day. The nuchal fold measurement was 1.7 mm, which according to my doctor is "very good". They did a blood test too, and the nuchal fold measurement will be combined with the results of the blood test and they will give me my risk of having a baby with genetic problems. I'm hoping for the best. I should have the results in a week.
We have decided to wait and find out the results from the bloodtest and to then make a decision on amnio. I think we are both leaning on not doing it at this point.
I asked to come in to the office in two weeks for a heartbeat check which would put me at just past the date of my last miscarriage. (I'll be 13 weeks in two weeks and my last miscarriage was at 12 weeks 5 days.) I'm hoping that if I hear the heartbeat then, I'll start to worry a little bit less. I can always hope, right?
Some days, I'm still like "I'm pregnant?????????"
- Andie (11 weeks, 2 days)
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Two more days
My nuchal fold ultrasound is on February 14th at 1:30 pm.
The only people who know still are my husband and my sister. We haven't decided if we will tell anyone after this ultrasound, if everything turns out o.k. I'm still so torn about telling. It seems like I've known FOREVER, but it has only been 8 weeks. And there is still SO much of the pregnancy left, if it goes full-term.
I wonder what it must be like to have a carefree pregnancy. I've never had one. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, way back in February 1998, and so I've always been at least a little worried every time I got pregnant. The last two pregnancies, I've worried a lot. I try not to talk about it out loud because there isn't anything that anybody can do about it. And I do try to just relax and hope for the best. But it is hard.
-Andie (10W6D, I got a new due date and so I am further along than I thought)
The only people who know still are my husband and my sister. We haven't decided if we will tell anyone after this ultrasound, if everything turns out o.k. I'm still so torn about telling. It seems like I've known FOREVER, but it has only been 8 weeks. And there is still SO much of the pregnancy left, if it goes full-term.
I wonder what it must be like to have a carefree pregnancy. I've never had one. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, way back in February 1998, and so I've always been at least a little worried every time I got pregnant. The last two pregnancies, I've worried a lot. I try not to talk about it out loud because there isn't anything that anybody can do about it. And I do try to just relax and hope for the best. But it is hard.
-Andie (10W6D, I got a new due date and so I am further along than I thought)
Friday, February 08, 2008
My dr's office called the other day
and they had me on the schedule with the nurse practicioner, and she is out now on maternity leave and needed to reschedule my appointment. I was afraid that they would make me wait another week, but they changed it from February 15th to February 14th. I will be 10 weeks 6 days on the 14th.
I'm still so stressed out that I'm going to go in and there won't be a heartbeat. I've felt this way every time I've gone in during this pregnancy, and it has always been o.k. But having my last pregnancy end in a miscarriage at 12 weeks and 5 days, well, it does strange things to your mind. I don't think that I'll be able to really relax and feel like I'm going to have a baby until I get past that date. Now my worry is that nipples don't hurt any more, and I feel smaller than I did a few days ago. That was one of my signs that something was wrong last time.
But there isn't really anything I can do but just wait. I haven't had any bleeding or spotting, and if I went in now for an ultrasound, then I'd have to go back in a week to do my NT test because right now, it would still be too early to do it. So I'm better off just waiting the six days and going to appointment. I just keep praying that I'm wrong, and that everything is o.k.
-Andie (10 weeks)
I'm still so stressed out that I'm going to go in and there won't be a heartbeat. I've felt this way every time I've gone in during this pregnancy, and it has always been o.k. But having my last pregnancy end in a miscarriage at 12 weeks and 5 days, well, it does strange things to your mind. I don't think that I'll be able to really relax and feel like I'm going to have a baby until I get past that date. Now my worry is that nipples don't hurt any more, and I feel smaller than I did a few days ago. That was one of my signs that something was wrong last time.
But there isn't really anything I can do but just wait. I haven't had any bleeding or spotting, and if I went in now for an ultrasound, then I'd have to go back in a week to do my NT test because right now, it would still be too early to do it. So I'm better off just waiting the six days and going to appointment. I just keep praying that I'm wrong, and that everything is o.k.
-Andie (10 weeks)
Monday, February 04, 2008
Everything is fine so far
I was overreacting. The dr. started the ultrasound, and he wasn't saying anything right away, and I had a moment of panic, but then the nurse said "See the heartbeat right there?" The dr. said that the heartrate was 160 and the baby looked like it was growing right on track. It definitely looked bigger than last time.
11 days until my next appointment. They will be doing a nuchal fold test at that appointment where they measure the neck fold during the ultrasound. The measurement should be under 3 mm. If it is around or above 3 mm, it indicates a possibility of down's syndrome or other genetic problems. They also do a blood test and combined the two tests to give you a fairly accurate look at the possibility of down's syndrome. I know that at my age (41), my risk is around 1 out of 100 chance that my child will have down's syndrome.
I haven't decided yet whether I will have an amnio. At first, I figured that I would if the pregnancy made to 14-15 weeks. Now, I'm debating about it. If my nuchal fold test comes back positive, I definitely will. But if my nuchal fold test comes back with little risk, I may not. I'm so confused.
I also am not sure when I want to tell people, especially family. My sister knows, and my husband, but no one else does. My parents will worry, and my in-laws will think that it wasn't responsible given our financial situation. Some days, I want to tell people around 12 weeks, but I probably should wait. I feel like I've known forever.
I am trying not to be consumed with worry and to just live my life, but it is tough some days. There IS a lot to worry about. There is the concern about whether I will have another miscarriage, whether the baby will have any problems, whether the baby will make it to full term and that's just until the baby is born. Then I have to worry about how we will afford everything we need for a baby, and I'll have to take care of a newborn again, and worrying about whether I need to get a job, etc., etc.
On a positive note, my sister is 20 weeks now and all seems to be going well.
-Andie (9W3D)
11 days until my next appointment. They will be doing a nuchal fold test at that appointment where they measure the neck fold during the ultrasound. The measurement should be under 3 mm. If it is around or above 3 mm, it indicates a possibility of down's syndrome or other genetic problems. They also do a blood test and combined the two tests to give you a fairly accurate look at the possibility of down's syndrome. I know that at my age (41), my risk is around 1 out of 100 chance that my child will have down's syndrome.
I haven't decided yet whether I will have an amnio. At first, I figured that I would if the pregnancy made to 14-15 weeks. Now, I'm debating about it. If my nuchal fold test comes back positive, I definitely will. But if my nuchal fold test comes back with little risk, I may not. I'm so confused.
I also am not sure when I want to tell people, especially family. My sister knows, and my husband, but no one else does. My parents will worry, and my in-laws will think that it wasn't responsible given our financial situation. Some days, I want to tell people around 12 weeks, but I probably should wait. I feel like I've known forever.
I am trying not to be consumed with worry and to just live my life, but it is tough some days. There IS a lot to worry about. There is the concern about whether I will have another miscarriage, whether the baby will have any problems, whether the baby will make it to full term and that's just until the baby is born. Then I have to worry about how we will afford everything we need for a baby, and I'll have to take care of a newborn again, and worrying about whether I need to get a job, etc., etc.
On a positive note, my sister is 20 weeks now and all seems to be going well.
-Andie (9W3D)
Thursday, January 31, 2008
I called for a "sanity check"
I was really trying to make it until my dr. appointment on the 15th. But I have had such a bad backache and bad cramping for the past couple of days that I just knew that I couldn't make it another two weeks. If things are bad, I'd much rather know now. I haven't had any bleeding/spotting, which is a good sign, and the fact that I saw the heartbeat a couple weeks ago is a good sign, but everything was great up until 12 weeks with my last pregnancy, so I know that things can still go wrong after you see the heartbeat.
The dr's office just called back and I have an appointment at noon today. I should be 8 weeks 6 days. Crossing my fingers that I'm just overreacting.
- Andie (8W6D)
The dr's office just called back and I have an appointment at noon today. I should be 8 weeks 6 days. Crossing my fingers that I'm just overreacting.
- Andie (8W6D)
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I'm not ready to assume anything
but I have caught myself thinking a couple of times about what it will be like to have a baby in the house again.
This baby is SO unexpected. We had infertility issues for many years, and even though we have conceived on our own several times, every pregnancy except for miracle man S's, ended in miscarriage. Not to mention, when we have tried to get pregnant, it has often taken us around a year to get pregnant. It has been a year and a half since the last time I conceived. We weren't trying this time, and I had just come to realize that I needed to come to terms with being done because my husband really, really, really was ready to be done.
K will be almost 9, E will be 6.5 and S will be almost 4. I never imagined that we would have a four year spread between children. I had big plans of going back to work in the fall. I need to go back to work in the fall. No matter what, I will probably need to go back to work in the fall. But my dr. wants to induce me at the end of August, if I make it that far, and I'll need to wait at least a month . . . .
I don't know. I really can wonder myself to death. I know that everything will work out. I know that if this baby makes it until August, that we will find a way to make everything work. But sometimes I wonder how will the money work out, what will I do since I don't even have a crib or any baby clothes or how will I take care of a newborn again?
But then I tell myself, let's just wonder about getting through one more day.
- Andie (8W4D)
This baby is SO unexpected. We had infertility issues for many years, and even though we have conceived on our own several times, every pregnancy except for miracle man S's, ended in miscarriage. Not to mention, when we have tried to get pregnant, it has often taken us around a year to get pregnant. It has been a year and a half since the last time I conceived. We weren't trying this time, and I had just come to realize that I needed to come to terms with being done because my husband really, really, really was ready to be done.
K will be almost 9, E will be 6.5 and S will be almost 4. I never imagined that we would have a four year spread between children. I had big plans of going back to work in the fall. I need to go back to work in the fall. No matter what, I will probably need to go back to work in the fall. But my dr. wants to induce me at the end of August, if I make it that far, and I'll need to wait at least a month . . . .
I don't know. I really can wonder myself to death. I know that everything will work out. I know that if this baby makes it until August, that we will find a way to make everything work. But sometimes I wonder how will the money work out, what will I do since I don't even have a crib or any baby clothes or how will I take care of a newborn again?
But then I tell myself, let's just wonder about getting through one more day.
- Andie (8W4D)
Thursday, January 24, 2008
I had to do my prenatal bloodwork on Monday
and it was quite an adventure. It is typically difficult to draw blood from my veins. They are small, deep, and they roll. I try and warn people ahead of time, and I also try and drink plenty of water beforehand so that they are "as good as they get." I went to the hospital lab to do the bloodwork because they usually have the best luck. The technician looked on my right arm, thought she saw one, and tried it. No go. She asked if they ever used my hands, and I said yes, they usually have fairly good luck with finding one in my hand. She found one in my right hand, tried it, and it started, but it was going very, very slowly, and they had 6 tubes to get. Finally after only slightly filling three tubes, the vein blew. So then another technician came in and tried. She looked at my left arm, and then my right arm again. She tried the right arm, and finally got a vein that worked well.
The dr's office called the next day and said that all my lab results were normal. I'd hate to have to go through that again, so I'm glad it was all o.k.
I've had a couple moments when I thought about telling a couple of my friends, but then I always decide against it. And I'm torn about telling too. Sometimes, I feel like telling people the "secret" now, or maybe after we get the results back from the amnio, but then I also think "Wow, it would be nice to be able to just go to the hospital and have the baby and THEN tell everyone."
Three weeks and a day until my next appointment.
-Andie (7W6D)
The dr's office called the next day and said that all my lab results were normal. I'd hate to have to go through that again, so I'm glad it was all o.k.
I've had a couple moments when I thought about telling a couple of my friends, but then I always decide against it. And I'm torn about telling too. Sometimes, I feel like telling people the "secret" now, or maybe after we get the results back from the amnio, but then I also think "Wow, it would be nice to be able to just go to the hospital and have the baby and THEN tell everyone."
Three weeks and a day until my next appointment.
-Andie (7W6D)
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Wow. I didn't expect to see that . . . .
I had myself convinced that everything was all over. They took my blood pressure at my appointment, and it was 140/90, which is really high for me (I'm usually 115/70). The nurse asked if I was nervous. I said "Yea, a little." (A major understatement.) After a tortuous half hour wait for the ultrasound, the nurse practitioner finally comes in and starts the ultrasound. After about five seconds, she says "Well, aren't you cute?" and there was the baby on the screen. She then said "And the heartbeat looks great. It is about 150 beats per minute, which is great." I finally started breathing for the first time in about a week. She said that the area where there had been a subchorionic hemorrage was all healed. I said "Wow, I didn't realize how worried I was that it wasn't going to be good until now." She said that if I need to have ultrasound between now and my next appointment for "my sanity", she said to not hesitate to call. I thought that was really nice. The baby is measuring a few days ahead, which makes the early positive pregnancy tests make more sense. I apparently ovulated really early in my cycle. We definitely weren't trying, and if we had been, I would have just assumed that I was going to ovulate around day 14 like I usually do, and we would have missed it.
I, of course, am not ready to just assume that I'm going to have a baby in late August/early September, but I have to admit that I'm feeling just a little bit hopeful.
My next appointment is Friday, February 15th. I should be 11 weeks then. It will probably be a long 4 weeks.
-Andie (7W2D)
I, of course, am not ready to just assume that I'm going to have a baby in late August/early September, but I have to admit that I'm feeling just a little bit hopeful.
My next appointment is Friday, February 15th. I should be 11 weeks then. It will probably be a long 4 weeks.
-Andie (7W2D)
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
So I went and had my blood test yesterday
I didn't want to do it, but I figured that the dr's office would be annoyed if I went to my appointment on Friday and I hadn't had it done. I called to get my results this morning and the dr's office said that they weren't in. Of course, they called back when I was out. So I called them back and let them know that I was home and they could call anytime. That was an hour and a half ago and I still haven't heard back yet. I mean, now that I got the blood test results, I feel like I need to know that numbers, but I probably shouldn't find out. I'm either going to freak out because they seem too low or too high. I really should just wait and go to my appointment on Friday and have the ultrasound. On Friday, I should be able to see a little baby with a heartbeat. I haven't had any problems, but I'm still having a hard time feeling hopeful. I just keep wondering what the point is of going through this pregnancy, however long it lasts, but especially if it is over soon? And if I do manage to carry to term and I have a healthy, normal baby, was this baby meant to be? Did this child need to be here for a reason? Or is this all just random?
Andie (6W2D)
Edited to add: I did get my numbers back later today. My beta HCG level was 29,886 and my progesterone was 31.4. Totally normal numbers for where I am in the pregnancy. It makes me feel a little better, but it still doesn't guarantee that I'll see a heartbeat on Friday.
Andie (6W2D)
Edited to add: I did get my numbers back later today. My beta HCG level was 29,886 and my progesterone was 31.4. Totally normal numbers for where I am in the pregnancy. It makes me feel a little better, but it still doesn't guarantee that I'll see a heartbeat on Friday.
Friday, January 11, 2008
My sister had some testing done
She did some more bloodwork and had an ultrasound done by a specialist, and he said that there doesn't appear to be any indications that her baby has down's syndrome. They also were able to find out that the baby is a girl! She has two boys and one girl now.
I was finally able to straighten out the insurance situation. What a gigantic hassle!
I went on a job interview yesterday. I've been working as a preschool teacher out of my home for five years now, and I really don't want to give it up, but $$$ has been tight for most of that time too, and I felt like I needed to at least explore this opportunity. My BIL works at the company and sort of got me the interview, but I'm o.k. with that. LOL The interview went pretty well. I'll hear back at the end of the month.
Of course, I worry a little bit about the pregnancy and what that would mean if I needed to take a six week maternity leave only six months after taking the position. And when I was working when my girls were small, I always took a twelve week maternity leave. There is no way that I could take off that long if I took this position, not to mention, any leave I took would be mostly unpaid, and we couldn't afford for me to not be bringing in any $$ for more than a couple of weeks.
But I've decided for the most part to not worry about all that. Who knows whether this pregnancy will last and who knows whether I'll even get the job.
I wish that there was more things that I DID know as I went through this journey called Life. It would certainly make things less stressful.
I have an OB appointment next Friday. They will do an ultrasound to check for a heartbeat, and if there is a heartbeat, do loads of bloodwork.
-Andie (5W4D)
I was finally able to straighten out the insurance situation. What a gigantic hassle!
I went on a job interview yesterday. I've been working as a preschool teacher out of my home for five years now, and I really don't want to give it up, but $$$ has been tight for most of that time too, and I felt like I needed to at least explore this opportunity. My BIL works at the company and sort of got me the interview, but I'm o.k. with that. LOL The interview went pretty well. I'll hear back at the end of the month.
Of course, I worry a little bit about the pregnancy and what that would mean if I needed to take a six week maternity leave only six months after taking the position. And when I was working when my girls were small, I always took a twelve week maternity leave. There is no way that I could take off that long if I took this position, not to mention, any leave I took would be mostly unpaid, and we couldn't afford for me to not be bringing in any $$ for more than a couple of weeks.
But I've decided for the most part to not worry about all that. Who knows whether this pregnancy will last and who knows whether I'll even get the job.
I wish that there was more things that I DID know as I went through this journey called Life. It would certainly make things less stressful.
I have an OB appointment next Friday. They will do an ultrasound to check for a heartbeat, and if there is a heartbeat, do loads of bloodwork.
-Andie (5W4D)
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
The world doesn't revolve around me
My sister is currently pregnant with a miracle pregnancy. She had three children fairly easily. Two years ago, she had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. Then a year ago,, she was diagnosed with a large liver hemagioma, and she has had some major complications as a result of it. She was told not to get pregnant again. In September, her husband was told that he now had an extremely low sperm count, most likely as a result of his recent diabetes diagnosis. In October, my sister discovered that she had conceived. She wasn't sure how it could have happened because they only time that it could have would have been very, very late in her cycle. They figured that they were in a "non-fertile" period. At first, it didn't appear that the pregnancy was viable because her numbers were so low, but after a couple more weeks, they determined that she must have ovulated/conceived very late. She met with a liver specialist who felt that she could continue with the pregnancy, but that there was always the chance, albiet relatively low, that the pregnancy would cause internal bleeding from her liver.
Everything has been going along fine with her pregnancy for weeks now. She is around 16 weeks now. She went this morning for a regular OB appointment. She had some nuchal fold ultrasound down at her 12 week appointment, and it showed a low chance of a child with down syndrome. However, they took some blood at the time too and they combine the results of the nuchal fold test along with the results of the blood test. She found out today that the bloodwork came back positive for down's syndrome. She is going to have more bloodwork done, and another ultrasound. She should have more definite answers in a week.
She seems to be handling it well. She said that it will o.k. either way. She has always felt that they would have a down's syndrome baby, and that if she does, she will welcome the child with love. She knows that it would be a challenge for herself and her whole family though.
I am quite fearful that the baby I'm carrying has down's syndrome. I'm ashamed to admit that I wouldn't handle the news as well as my sister is handling it.
- Andie (5 Weeks 2 days)
Everything has been going along fine with her pregnancy for weeks now. She is around 16 weeks now. She went this morning for a regular OB appointment. She had some nuchal fold ultrasound down at her 12 week appointment, and it showed a low chance of a child with down syndrome. However, they took some blood at the time too and they combine the results of the nuchal fold test along with the results of the blood test. She found out today that the bloodwork came back positive for down's syndrome. She is going to have more bloodwork done, and another ultrasound. She should have more definite answers in a week.
She seems to be handling it well. She said that it will o.k. either way. She has always felt that they would have a down's syndrome baby, and that if she does, she will welcome the child with love. She knows that it would be a challenge for herself and her whole family though.
I am quite fearful that the baby I'm carrying has down's syndrome. I'm ashamed to admit that I wouldn't handle the news as well as my sister is handling it.
- Andie (5 Weeks 2 days)
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Not much to report
I honestly thought that this pregnancy would be over by now. I haven't had any symptoms of a miscarriage yet, although it is still really early, so it could still happen. I had my last miscarriage at almost 14 weeks, and my first at 7 weeks, so I still have weeks and weeks to go before I feel in the clear on that. I still don't really anticipate that I will have a baby at the end of this. I am not feeling all that pregnant this week. I feel like I will go to my next appointment and that there will be no heartbeat.
Of course, who knows if I will even be able to go to my next appointment? I'm dealing with a gigantic insurance situation right now. I technically have private individual insurance until January 28th, but there is no maternity coverage (didn't think I'd be needing it!) I applied in December (before I knew I was pregnant) for insurance through the state because I would pay quite a bit less for my monthly premium thorugh the state insurance plan. Also, I know that they have maternity coverage. So when I went for my dr. appointment last Friday, I told them that I needed to get the card from the state and that I would fax them a copy as soon as it arrived. I didn't tell them that I had other insurance because I knew that the other insurance company wouldn't cover it anyway. The dr's office begrudgingly agreed to wait to get the card, but told me that I needed to have a copy of it before I could see the dr. for my next appointment. I've called the state every day since last Wednesday, usually three or four times a day, and I can't get the caseworker to call me back. So I only have 10 1/2 days to a) get my caseworker to call me back and get her to fax the information to my drs. office b) receive a copy of my card in the mail and fax it to the office or c) get enough $$ to pay for the visit out of pocket, plus the first visit (NOT going to happen). I'm also supposed to go get that bloodwork done before my next visit, and I can't get that done either until this insurance thing is straightened out. I don't know if I am going to have it done anyway, but at this point, I don't even have the option of deciding whether or not to do it.
Time goes by SOOOOOOOOOOOOO slowly during early pregnancy. It seems like I've known about this pregnancy forever, and it has only been 15 days.
- Andie (5W1D)
Of course, who knows if I will even be able to go to my next appointment? I'm dealing with a gigantic insurance situation right now. I technically have private individual insurance until January 28th, but there is no maternity coverage (didn't think I'd be needing it!) I applied in December (before I knew I was pregnant) for insurance through the state because I would pay quite a bit less for my monthly premium thorugh the state insurance plan. Also, I know that they have maternity coverage. So when I went for my dr. appointment last Friday, I told them that I needed to get the card from the state and that I would fax them a copy as soon as it arrived. I didn't tell them that I had other insurance because I knew that the other insurance company wouldn't cover it anyway. The dr's office begrudgingly agreed to wait to get the card, but told me that I needed to have a copy of it before I could see the dr. for my next appointment. I've called the state every day since last Wednesday, usually three or four times a day, and I can't get the caseworker to call me back. So I only have 10 1/2 days to a) get my caseworker to call me back and get her to fax the information to my drs. office b) receive a copy of my card in the mail and fax it to the office or c) get enough $$ to pay for the visit out of pocket, plus the first visit (NOT going to happen). I'm also supposed to go get that bloodwork done before my next visit, and I can't get that done either until this insurance thing is straightened out. I don't know if I am going to have it done anyway, but at this point, I don't even have the option of deciding whether or not to do it.
Time goes by SOOOOOOOOOOOOO slowly during early pregnancy. It seems like I've known about this pregnancy forever, and it has only been 15 days.
- Andie (5W1D)
Friday, January 04, 2008
I went to the dr. today
It is NOT an ectopic pregnancy. The midwife saw a sac in the uterus. It looks like I'm about 5 weeks along, which is pretty close according to my LMP (technically, I'm 4W4D.) She also saw a normal to a little large cyst on my right side that could be cause for some of the pain. She also said that I have a pretty bad bladder infection, which also could be causing the pain on the right side. I also have a little "spot" that could have been a subchorionic hemmorrage, but she said that it looks like it is resolving itself now instead of starting. It is pretty close to the baby, and I asked her if that was a problem and she said that it shouldn't be. I'm not sure if I believe her, but whatever.
I also am supposed to go to the lab and get a beta hCG and progesterone check, but I'm going to wait until Monday to do it, if I do it at all.
So now it is just a waiting game. And it's a long wait too. I've got to get past the 7 week ultrasound check for the heartbeat, and then past 13 weeks to get past the date of my last miscarriage, and then I'm going to do amnio around 15-16 weeks and it will be a few weeks after that before I know anything. So I've got about 4 months before I'll feel like this pregnancy is going to go o.k.
- Andie (4W4D)
I also am supposed to go to the lab and get a beta hCG and progesterone check, but I'm going to wait until Monday to do it, if I do it at all.
So now it is just a waiting game. And it's a long wait too. I've got to get past the 7 week ultrasound check for the heartbeat, and then past 13 weeks to get past the date of my last miscarriage, and then I'm going to do amnio around 15-16 weeks and it will be a few weeks after that before I know anything. So I've got about 4 months before I'll feel like this pregnancy is going to go o.k.
- Andie (4W4D)
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