End of May now

I did go to my therapy appointment. Actually, I've been twice now. It is helping.

I am trying to decide what to do with this blog. I originally started it in 2006 to talk about my kids and my pregnancy at the time. Then I couldn't find it again, and I had a miscarriage. I finally stumbled back on it in December 2007 right after I found out I was pregnant with Christopher. I didn't intend to just turn it into a pregnancy blog, but that was the way that it turned out, and then I used it a lot after he died. But lately, for the last month anyway, I haven't felt the need to use it to talk about Christopher and my grief. But I don't know if I can just change gears and start talking about my regular life here. First, my life mostly isn't that interesting, and I don't really feel the need to talk about it. Second, since this blog has been mostly about Christopher, I sort of want to keep it that way. I don't know, I'll think about it for another week or so and see what I think.

I took the kids to the cemetery today. I even brought little S (he is 3) this time. I teared up a little when he was blowing kisses to, in his words "his little brother". K (she is 8) asked how you can miss someone that you never met. I told that it is sometimes harder, but that I just envision what Christopher would have been like, and also I miss the things that we would have done together and just being a mommy to another little boy.

I gave birth to him nine weeks ago yesterday. If I was still pregnant, I'd be almost 27 weeks. Into the third trimester. I probably would be starting to complain a little bit about having to be big and pregnant through the summer. I'd definitely be showing. Given my history, I'd probably be on bedrest/medication for pre-term labor. Yet, I'm not doing any of those things.

My sister is 37 weeks pregnant. I'm doing o.k. with it. Some days are harder than others but most of the time, I'm just happy for her and sad for me.

- Andie

It's May

Spring is in full bloom here. At first it made me sad to see nature starting over, seeing all the new life, when I felt like the world should be gray and dark and mourn with me. But it does help me to see the vibrant colors and hear the chirping birds and feel the warm sun on my face.

I think I'm starting to accept Christopher's death. I know that I'll always be sad about losing him, and will always wonder what he would have been like, and always wondered what his relationship would have been with me, my husband, his siblings, etc. But I'm starting to see that I do have a life outside of being that person who had a stillborn baby.

I have my first therapy appointment today. I've been debating about whether I should still go. I suppose it isn't a terrible idea. I've got issues for days, outside of dealing with Christopher's death (I know that may be shocking to some of my readers LOL)

-Andie