Happy Birthday Christopher

Christopher is buried in the same cemetery that Dorothy Louise Gage was buried. Dorothy Gage was the niece of L. Frank Baum, the author of The Wizard of Oz. Dorothy was five months old at the time. The Baums were deeply affected by her death. L. Frank Baum was in the process of writing The Wizard of Oz at the time of her death, and he changed the name of the heroine in the book to Dorothy. In 1998, the cemetery dedicated an area of the cemetery for infants and called it the Dorothy Gage Memorial Garden.

When I found out about the history of the garden, it suddenly put a whole new meaning to the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." So everytime I hear the song, I think of Christopher. I hope that I'll be able to see you someday over the rainbow, my dear son.

Happy Birthday.

364 days ago

we met and said good-bye to Christopher. Today, we went to his grave to wish him a happy birthday. We put flowers on the grave - five red and one white and let balloons go - five blue and one happy birthday.

Tomorrow, on his actual birthday, we will light a candle given to me from a special friend, and we will sing "Happy Birthday" and we will eat cake.

We decided it would be better to have his actual birthday be more of a celebration, and the day before the day we went to the cemetery.

I don't have anything really philosophical to say to wrap up. I'm doing better and I'm starting to accept what has happened. But I'm still sad that he is gone. I still wish that we would have been celebrating him turning 7 months old (his due date was August 28th) with a trip to the park instead of putting flowers on his grave. 2008 was a very difficult year - with having to deal with the surprise of his pregnancy, the complications, his death, and dealing with all the things that happened as we tried to grieve.

Happy Birthday Christopher. We love you and miss you.

I've been dreading this month all year

It is March. In only a few more weeks, it will be a year since I gave birth to my second son, Christopher. It will be a year since I had to say good-bye.

I was listening to an Elton John song a few days ago called "The Greatest Discovery."

Here are the lyrics.

Peering out of tiny eyes

The grubby hands that gripped the rail

Wiped the window clean of frost

As the morning air laid on the latch

A whistle awakened someone there

Next door to the nursery just down the hall

A strange new sound you never heard before

A strange new sound that makes boys explore

Tread neat so small those little feet

Amid the morning his small heart beats

So much excitement yesterday

That must be rewarded must be displayed

Large hands lift him through the air

Excited eyes contain him there

The eyes of those he loves and knows

But what's this extra bed just here

His puzzled head tipped to one side

Amazement swims in those bright green eyes

Glancing down upon this thing

That make strange sounds, strange sounds that sing

In those silent happy seconds

That surround the sound of this event

A parent smile is made in moments

They have made for you a friend

And all you ever learned from them

Until you grew much older

Did not compare with when they said

This is your brand new brother

This is your brand new brother

This is your brand new brother

This isn't the first time I've heard this song. I've heard it many times. I remember hearing it and crying when I thought that I wouldn't have any children. I remember hearing it and crying when I thought I wouldn't be able to have more than one. And I remember crying because my girls actually did have a brother (not that we wouldn't have been thrilled with a girl either, but I was thrilled to have a boy too!)

But the other day, I cried. And cried and cried. I cried because S will never be able to have a brother. I cried because I will never have any more children. And I cried because I missed my littlest little boy. And I cried because I wanted SO much to be able to bring Christopher into our home. But instead he lives in our hearts.