It has been over a year since my pregnancy with Christopher began. I've found myself thinking "Last year, I was doing . . . " or whatever.
I've healed in a lot of ways, but not much in others. I still think of Christopher every day. I'm still sad about it. I'm still angry about it. I still wish that he was here. I still wish that he was part of our family and he was our fourth child. It still doesn't make sense to me. I still cry every once in a while.
I found out a few weeks after we lost Christopher that a friend lost a son at a similar place in her pregnancy. I was so sad for her, and sad that someone else that I knew had to go through a similar experience. A few months went by, and she announced that she was pregnant again. I was amazed at her bravery. She found out a few days ago that the baby has no heartbeat - at sixteen weeks - almost the same place as her last loss. It is just SO unfair.
I've been by to see Christopher's grave marker a few times in the last year - most recently on Christmas Day. Christmas was a very hard time. Everyone was celebrating the birth of another son, and I should have been celebrating it with my own new son, not visiting him at a cemetery.
It will be the anniversary of his birth and death in just a little over two months. How can the year have gone by so fast? My other children, of course, show me how fast the year has gone too. S has gone from a just past toddler to a full fledged preschool kid, E is in first grade and losing teeth right and left, and K is showing me every day glimpses of what she will be like as a teenager.
And my niece, who was going to be just 10 weeks older than Christopher, is doing well. She is 7 months and smiles so brightly and often.
I'll never forget 2008, and the many painful things that happened in that year. But I am hoping that I'll never forget 2009, and the many good things that happened too.
