since I looked at the ultrasound screen and said to the dr. "He's not moving, is he? And there isn't any heartbeat." And the dr. said "I'm sorry, but he is gone."
I have days, I wouldn't quite call them good, but I'm managing o.k., and then wham! I'll have a day where I seriously feel like I'm losing my mind.
I keep trying to rationalize the loss to myself - telling me that it would have been worse if it had been our first child, it would have been worse if it was our first and only chance at having a child, it would have been worse if I would have been farther along, it would have been worse to lose a child when they were 5 or whatever. Which is likely very true. But honestly, it really is only serving to make me feel guilty about feeling this loss as strongly as I do.
I did go to the cemetary on Saturday. I took the girls. They had been asking a lot of questions, and I thought it might help them. They were very sweet. They gathered some wild flowers and put them on the dirt in front of the marker. And then they kissed the marker and then sent kisses up to the sky. We looked at some of the other markers in the area (he is buried in a section that is just for infants) and E looked down at the one that is next to Christopher's and said "Why does this one still have a big bunch of flowers on it?" I said that another little boy had died, probably just a few days ago and the flowers were from his funeral. E looked up and said "I'm going to blow some kisses up to heaven for him too, and for his mommy because she is probably sad too." I'm sure she is.
I'm sure I sound like a broken record, but it has been so tough to be trying to deal with the loss of Christopher while also grieving the loss of never having any more children, ALONG with the unfairness of having to deal with infertility and miscarriages during the time that I was trying to have children. Oh, and let's not forget the unfairness that I didn't get married until I was almost 29 because my first love was killed in an accident, and so I wasn't able to get started on having a family until I was in my 30s.
To depress myself the other day, I started thinking about what my family would have been like if every pregnancy that I'd had would have gone to term and I would have had a baby. I would have had a baby that was born in October 1998, September 1999 (This is K), December 2001 (This is E), June 2003, September 2004 (This is S), March 2007, and August 2008. I would have had 7 children, 9 1/2 years old to newborn.
Oh, and in case any of you are worried about my mental health, first of all, I do use this blog to get my thoughts out and so things always look a little bleaker in print than how I'm actually doing. Second of all, I have decided to go see a counselor. I wasn't going, because I couldn't see how it was going to help. I was depressed/anxious, etc. because of the situation, and there wasn't that anybody could do or any amount of talking that was going to fix it. But I think that it might be good to just vent to someone for a little while.
But man, how I wish there was a way to go back a month, and fix it so Christopher was still rolling around and kicking inside my belly.
-Andie
2 comments:
((Hugs)) Andie. I think under the circumstances you're doing ok if that makes you feel any better. There really isn't anything that is going to make this all right. It doesn't matter you have other kids. Christopher was unique and special and his loss is felt because of that. There's really no way to rationalize it to make it "ok" no matter how we try. And that's OK too. Just love and hugs from here. Jules
Andie -- i'm thinking about you, friend. i do think counseling is a good thing -- it's a healthy, constructive step. no one can change what happened and what you're going through, and it will take time to process. time, time, time.
you are such a thoughtful and bright and caring person. i'm so sorry about your losing christopher.
amy
Post a Comment