I got up with the kids at 7 am, laid down on the couch at 9 am and slept while they played, had them wake up my husband at 12 to get them lunch, continued sleeping on the couch until almost 4, then went upstairs and slept from 4 pm until 6:30 am this morning. My eyes are so puffy this morning that I can hardly see. I could still sleep more, but my daycare kids were back today, so I have to function until at least 5 pm today. Preschool starts again tomorrow. Playgroup is on Wednesday, but I don't think we will go. I'm not ready to face everyone yet and act like nothing has happened. The problem is that I don't know that I'll ever be ready.
I feel guilty that I'm so affected by this loss. I mean, I was personally devestated by my loss in 2006, and it strongly affected my faith, and I was really sad, but I didn't think that much about missing the baby. I was sad after my first one, but I was mostly sad because it took almost a year to conceive again and I was convinced that I would never have any children. I am sad this time too, but mostly, I just miss Christopher, and am just so sad that he won't be part of our family. I can hardly face each day because it means that my other children are a day older, and a day less from needing me so much. I know that children can't stay small forever, but now that I won't have a baby around, it is just somehow just really painful to see how far the others are from being little babies. And I can hardly face knowing that time will go by so fast, and I'll be thinking "Christopher would be 3, he would be 10, he would be graduating from high school."
And I know it will go fast. I had a boyfriend all through high school. It wasn't a traditional romance because we lived in different cities and I only saw him once or twice a month. But from the moment I met him the summer that I was 13, almost 14, we just had a connection. I liked him in a romantic, school girl sort of way, of course, but there was always something else. He was a year older than I was. The year I went to college, he left to go on a mission for our church. I had been at school for two weeks, I got a phone call from my parents. They told me that they needed me to come home (they lived nearby) because they had some serious news to tell me. When I got home, they told me that he had been involved in a bicycle/car accident and that he had died. My world crumbled. I had always assumed that we would get married and have a bunch of kids and live happily after. My life plan was destroyed. I cried every day for two years. I hardly dated for the next 10 years. Then I met my husband and got married a week before I turned 29. Now I'm 41. It's been over 23 years since my boyfriend died. Months go by without me thinking about him. But it just seems amazing that it has been that long since he died. I know that I'll just turn around and it will be 10 years since Christopher died.
I'm tired again. But I need to take care of the daycare kids and S. So I guess I'll go do that.
-Andie
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