It has been two weeks

I found out two weeks ago that Christopher was gone. It seems like just a moment ago, yet so long ago too.

I'm getting better about getting through the days. I think my kids think that I'm back to normal. I haven't been crying much the past few days. But I still feel like it is going to be a long time before I feel anything close to happiness though.

On Monday, if I was still pregnant, I would be 20 weeks. I would have been half way through. When I think about that, it makes it seem like I was pregnant with Christopher for such a short time, but it felt like time went by so slowly, mostly because I was worried for so much of his pregnancy, and waiting to pass milestones, and waiting for test results. But even with all the worrying, and I'm sure if I was still pregnant, I'd still be really worried, up until the day that I gave birth to a normal, healthy, live baby, I'd still go back to the worrying if it would change the outcome.

I am trying to decide what to do, support-wise, to get through my grief. My husband is letting me talk to him whenever I need to, and that is really helpful. I'll probably go to the hospital support group for another month or so, but I do feel kind of out of place there since I will not be having any more children or adopting or anything and all the other women there are still interested in trying to have more children, or are currently pregnant again. I do have family and friends that I can talk to, but besides my husband, I just don't really feel comfortable talking about it anymore. I could talk to a therapist, but it is really complictated to work it out with my schedule, and honestly, I just don't see it doing a lot of good because I am just sad about losing Christopher, and the only thing that is going to make me feel better right now is to be pregnant again with him, and that can't happen. So I think I'm going to just have to just keep going, trying to get through each day, the best way I can. Some days will be bad, some will be o.k., and I'm sure I'll have some just horrible days out of the blue too. Maybe some days, in awhile, will even be good. I've already had a couple of moments that made me smile in the last few days, so I think it is possible. Which I guess is hope enough for right now.

-Andie