I had a talk with my husband yesterday and it helped a little. He talked to me about how much our living children need me. He talked to me about how if I just get lost in Christopher's death and do nothing, or just sleep, or just stop putting forth any effort, a year will pass, 5 years will pass, and I'll be at the same place, Christopher still won't be here, but I will have lost so many opportunities with our living children. And he is right. Even though all I want to do is just crawl in a hole and never have to interact with anyone, he is right. If I do crawl in that hole, it will just be a year, two, five years later, and my living children will have missed having ME during that time. And even though I'm not convinced that I'm a very good mother, I am THEIR mother, and I can start trying to do better now. I also need to show them that I can make it through this, so that when something bad happens in their life (which unfortunately something will), they will see that I had the strength to make it, and maybe it will give them some strength to make it through their challenges.
I still wish it had been different. I will always wish that Christopher could have been born healthy and normal in August, and could have joined our family here on earth. I still miss him a lot.
-Andie
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