I miss him so much

Monday (the day we met with the funeral home) and Tuesday (the day we had the graveside service) were two of the hardest days of my life. I just never imagined that I would be burying one of my children.

I'm just so sad. So much of his pregnancy was filled with worry and anticipation of the worst that I only had a few days of feeling like happiness about a new life coming into our family. I am so, so sad that I will never get to know him. I just want for it all to be a dream, but it's six days now since we found out that he was gone, and I know that it has to be real.

I will never have another chance to have another child. We will not be having any more children. I am sad about that, but I don't really want to have another child. I want to have Christopher.

We don't know what happened yet, and most likely never will. But it wouldn't matter anyway. It wouldn't bring him back.

My parents left yesterday. Today is the first day that I'm trying to get back into my regular routine. Well, I'm not doing preschool until next week, or daycare, but I'm watching S, and I am trying to catch up on some housework.

I keep crying and S (he's 3) keeps asking why I'm crying. If I tell him that I'm crying about the baby, then he keeps saying things like "It's o.k. Mommy, I'll just go rescue him and bring him back" or "I want him to come back Mommy." Me too. Me too. I know it is because he doesn't quite understand, but it is so painful to have to keep telling him that the baby isn't coming back.

We've had so many people contact us and express their sympathies. I do appreciate it, but when I try to talk to people, I just end up crying. I feel like I'll never stop.

In some ways, I keep thinking that I want time to stand still so I don't have to think "Christopher would be 2 years old, he would be 8, he would be 12, he would be 18." I know it will go so fast. And I feel like my other children are growing so fast and that I'm losing so many opportunities to be a good mother to them. But on the other hand, if time stood still, I would always feel like this.

I know that I'll probably never get the answer to the "Why?" or "Why did it have to happen now?" But it is just SO unfair. I've already had two early miscarriages, and my miscarriage in 2006 at almost 13 weeks. Why did I have to lose Christopher at almost 18 weeks? They found out he didn't have any chromosome problems, the placenta problem had resolved itself, he was growing normally (even a little large for his gestational age). I was well into the second trimester. We had seen his heartbeat so many times - always 155. Always completely normal. Everything should have been fine. It should have been fine. But it wasn't fine. And I'm not fine. I know that I'll eventually get to a different place and that I won't be so consumed with grief. But I'll never be the same.

I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.

-Andie