I did the dishes this morning for the first time in probably two weeks. I just kept thinking how I just wanted to go back to bed, but even if I went back to bed for three months, it wouldn't change anything.
I'm so sad and angry. I tried to do everything right so that I wouldn't have another miscarriage. I took progesterone until 12 weeks, I took a baby aspirin every day, I took blood pressure medication when my blood pressure when it got high during this pregnancy, I took a multi-vitamin from the moment I found out. I didn't eat lunch meat or hot dogs, I went on bedrest as soon as I got the low-lying placenta diagnosis, and I would lay down every time that I had a spotting episode. I went to the dr. as soon as I thought I had a bladder infection and got on antibiotics. I have atypical ezcema (I get a blister like I've been lifting a lot or that I got burned) on the pads of my fingers, and I hadn't had any episodes since my last miscarriage. Last week, I got one on my thumb and one as starting on my second finger. I had asked the dermatologist if it meant anything in terms of my miscarriage, and he said "No way." It was just an unfortunate coincidence that I happen to have a flare in 2006, and another one right before I found out about the miscarriage in 2008. I saw my OB a lot, and the specialist a couple times. I had convinced myself that my miscarriage in 2006 was a chromosome problem (we didn't do any testing afterwards because I was afraid that it would show that everything was normal. It was easier for me to just believe that it was a chromosome problem), and that it was just a fluke. So I felt so reassured when I found out Christopher didn't have any chromosome problems.
It just makes me wonder even more if I did something that led to his death. I had a pedicure the day before, and there was this big massage/pedicure chair. The person turned on the massage as soon as I sat down. It felt so good and had it going on my back for about 10-15 minutes before I thought "Maybe I shouldn't be having a massage like this when I'm pregnant, especially with all the complications I've had." I turned it off as soon as I thought that. Could that have caused the miscarriage? It had only been 9 days since the amnio. I hadn't had any leaking or spotting from the amnio, and just pain that first day. I had heartbeat check at the OB's office two days later, and his heart was still beating. I heard his heartbeat up until a week after the amnio. So could it have even been the amnio? Was it because I kept getting bladder infections? Was it because I took a double dose of acidopholus to try and prevent getting a yeast infection?
It just doesn't seem possible that I could have just been that unlucky twice. Both of my last two pregnancies ended so similarly. Everyone reassured me that everything was fine both times, kind of made me feel silly for being so paranoid, everything seemed to be going o.k., and then finally at the end, the ultrasound that showed no movement, and no heartbeat. Why did it have to happen to me TWICE? What could I need to learn from this experience that I didn't learn the first time? And why did I feel so driven to get my husband to NOT get the vasectomy. If he had done the vasectomy, then we wouldn't have had to go through this terribly, sad experience.
People had always said things during the pregnancy that made me feel like everything would be o.k. When I went to the ER with a bleeding episode around 10 weeks, and I was sure everything was over, I was talking to the sonographer after she found that everything was o.k., and I told her what a huge surprise this pregnancy was, and she said "Oh, then you don't need to worry. The surprises always make it!" Then when my dad was here, and we were telling him the whole story about how my husband was scheduled for a vasectomy, and I just felt in such an overwhelming way that it wasn't the right time for us to do it, even though I had been the one that had begged him for two years to get one. My husband said that he still felt like it was the right thing to do, but he would respect my feelings. We both agreed that we didn't want to get pregnant, but he agreed to postpone it for a few months until I felt better about it. 7 days later, at only the 8th day of my cycle, somehow, I ended up getting pregnant. Then all the placenta problems, and the Trisomy 18 scare, and then finally the good news. After we told my dad everything, he said "Well, after all that, he must be a real fighter and meant to be with your family." Just 3 days later, he was gone. He will always be a part of our family, but not in the way that we wanted.
I went to the mall on Monday and picked out a nameplace for his momento box. While I was there, I decided to go into a jewelry store. Christopher was due around the end of August, and my birthday is August 27th. I have never liked the look of my birthstone, and so I never had any jewelry with my birthstone. But I decided that I wanted to have some jewelry that I could wear that would remind me of him, but since it was my birthstone too, I wouldn't have to explain it if I didn't want to. I ended up buying a ring. It is very pretty. There is a square cut peridot with two small diamonds on either side. The band is gold.
I'm so sad and angry. I tried to do everything right so that I wouldn't have another miscarriage. I took progesterone until 12 weeks, I took a baby aspirin every day, I took blood pressure medication when my blood pressure when it got high during this pregnancy, I took a multi-vitamin from the moment I found out. I didn't eat lunch meat or hot dogs, I went on bedrest as soon as I got the low-lying placenta diagnosis, and I would lay down every time that I had a spotting episode. I went to the dr. as soon as I thought I had a bladder infection and got on antibiotics. I have atypical ezcema (I get a blister like I've been lifting a lot or that I got burned) on the pads of my fingers, and I hadn't had any episodes since my last miscarriage. Last week, I got one on my thumb and one as starting on my second finger. I had asked the dermatologist if it meant anything in terms of my miscarriage, and he said "No way." It was just an unfortunate coincidence that I happen to have a flare in 2006, and another one right before I found out about the miscarriage in 2008. I saw my OB a lot, and the specialist a couple times. I had convinced myself that my miscarriage in 2006 was a chromosome problem (we didn't do any testing afterwards because I was afraid that it would show that everything was normal. It was easier for me to just believe that it was a chromosome problem), and that it was just a fluke. So I felt so reassured when I found out Christopher didn't have any chromosome problems.
It just makes me wonder even more if I did something that led to his death. I had a pedicure the day before, and there was this big massage/pedicure chair. The person turned on the massage as soon as I sat down. It felt so good and had it going on my back for about 10-15 minutes before I thought "Maybe I shouldn't be having a massage like this when I'm pregnant, especially with all the complications I've had." I turned it off as soon as I thought that. Could that have caused the miscarriage? It had only been 9 days since the amnio. I hadn't had any leaking or spotting from the amnio, and just pain that first day. I had heartbeat check at the OB's office two days later, and his heart was still beating. I heard his heartbeat up until a week after the amnio. So could it have even been the amnio? Was it because I kept getting bladder infections? Was it because I took a double dose of acidopholus to try and prevent getting a yeast infection?
It just doesn't seem possible that I could have just been that unlucky twice. Both of my last two pregnancies ended so similarly. Everyone reassured me that everything was fine both times, kind of made me feel silly for being so paranoid, everything seemed to be going o.k., and then finally at the end, the ultrasound that showed no movement, and no heartbeat. Why did it have to happen to me TWICE? What could I need to learn from this experience that I didn't learn the first time? And why did I feel so driven to get my husband to NOT get the vasectomy. If he had done the vasectomy, then we wouldn't have had to go through this terribly, sad experience.
People had always said things during the pregnancy that made me feel like everything would be o.k. When I went to the ER with a bleeding episode around 10 weeks, and I was sure everything was over, I was talking to the sonographer after she found that everything was o.k., and I told her what a huge surprise this pregnancy was, and she said "Oh, then you don't need to worry. The surprises always make it!" Then when my dad was here, and we were telling him the whole story about how my husband was scheduled for a vasectomy, and I just felt in such an overwhelming way that it wasn't the right time for us to do it, even though I had been the one that had begged him for two years to get one. My husband said that he still felt like it was the right thing to do, but he would respect my feelings. We both agreed that we didn't want to get pregnant, but he agreed to postpone it for a few months until I felt better about it. 7 days later, at only the 8th day of my cycle, somehow, I ended up getting pregnant. Then all the placenta problems, and the Trisomy 18 scare, and then finally the good news. After we told my dad everything, he said "Well, after all that, he must be a real fighter and meant to be with your family." Just 3 days later, he was gone. He will always be a part of our family, but not in the way that we wanted.
I went to the mall on Monday and picked out a nameplace for his momento box. While I was there, I decided to go into a jewelry store. Christopher was due around the end of August, and my birthday is August 27th. I have never liked the look of my birthstone, and so I never had any jewelry with my birthstone. But I decided that I wanted to have some jewelry that I could wear that would remind me of him, but since it was my birthstone too, I wouldn't have to explain it if I didn't want to. I ended up buying a ring. It is very pretty. There is a square cut peridot with two small diamonds on either side. The band is gold.
I'm so paranoid about the safety of my other children. If I lost another child, I don't know what I would do. I don't think that I would survive it. I already feel like I've had my share of tragedy. Not that I wish tragedy would have to go to someone else, but it is my belief that tragedy is just part of life, just as joy is, but I'm ready for it to not be my turn for tragedy.
Nothing I will do will change anything. Christopher will never come back. I'm really too old to be trying again, and I wouldn't anyway. I wouldn't want to. I just want to have Christopher back. And that won't happen.
-Andie
1 comment:
((Andie))
I wish there was something to make it better. There isn't. You just have to hurt and heal.
I'm so sad for you. It's a long journey when you lose a child.
Please let me know if you want to talk. I'll listen.
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