I called for a "sanity check"

I was really trying to make it until my dr. appointment on the 15th. But I have had such a bad backache and bad cramping for the past couple of days that I just knew that I couldn't make it another two weeks. If things are bad, I'd much rather know now. I haven't had any bleeding/spotting, which is a good sign, and the fact that I saw the heartbeat a couple weeks ago is a good sign, but everything was great up until 12 weeks with my last pregnancy, so I know that things can still go wrong after you see the heartbeat.

The dr's office just called back and I have an appointment at noon today. I should be 8 weeks 6 days. Crossing my fingers that I'm just overreacting.

- Andie (8W6D)

I'm not ready to assume anything

but I have caught myself thinking a couple of times about what it will be like to have a baby in the house again.

This baby is SO unexpected. We had infertility issues for many years, and even though we have conceived on our own several times, every pregnancy except for miracle man S's, ended in miscarriage. Not to mention, when we have tried to get pregnant, it has often taken us around a year to get pregnant. It has been a year and a half since the last time I conceived. We weren't trying this time, and I had just come to realize that I needed to come to terms with being done because my husband really, really, really was ready to be done.

K will be almost 9, E will be 6.5 and S will be almost 4. I never imagined that we would have a four year spread between children. I had big plans of going back to work in the fall. I need to go back to work in the fall. No matter what, I will probably need to go back to work in the fall. But my dr. wants to induce me at the end of August, if I make it that far, and I'll need to wait at least a month . . . .

I don't know. I really can wonder myself to death. I know that everything will work out. I know that if this baby makes it until August, that we will find a way to make everything work. But sometimes I wonder how will the money work out, what will I do since I don't even have a crib or any baby clothes or how will I take care of a newborn again?

But then I tell myself, let's just wonder about getting through one more day.

- Andie (8W4D)

I had to do my prenatal bloodwork on Monday

and it was quite an adventure. It is typically difficult to draw blood from my veins. They are small, deep, and they roll. I try and warn people ahead of time, and I also try and drink plenty of water beforehand so that they are "as good as they get." I went to the hospital lab to do the bloodwork because they usually have the best luck. The technician looked on my right arm, thought she saw one, and tried it. No go. She asked if they ever used my hands, and I said yes, they usually have fairly good luck with finding one in my hand. She found one in my right hand, tried it, and it started, but it was going very, very slowly, and they had 6 tubes to get. Finally after only slightly filling three tubes, the vein blew. So then another technician came in and tried. She looked at my left arm, and then my right arm again. She tried the right arm, and finally got a vein that worked well.

The dr's office called the next day and said that all my lab results were normal. I'd hate to have to go through that again, so I'm glad it was all o.k.

I've had a couple moments when I thought about telling a couple of my friends, but then I always decide against it. And I'm torn about telling too. Sometimes, I feel like telling people the "secret" now, or maybe after we get the results back from the amnio, but then I also think "Wow, it would be nice to be able to just go to the hospital and have the baby and THEN tell everyone."

Three weeks and a day until my next appointment.

-Andie (7W6D)

Wow. I didn't expect to see that . . . .

I had myself convinced that everything was all over. They took my blood pressure at my appointment, and it was 140/90, which is really high for me (I'm usually 115/70). The nurse asked if I was nervous. I said "Yea, a little." (A major understatement.) After a tortuous half hour wait for the ultrasound, the nurse practitioner finally comes in and starts the ultrasound. After about five seconds, she says "Well, aren't you cute?" and there was the baby on the screen. She then said "And the heartbeat looks great. It is about 150 beats per minute, which is great." I finally started breathing for the first time in about a week. She said that the area where there had been a subchorionic hemorrage was all healed. I said "Wow, I didn't realize how worried I was that it wasn't going to be good until now." She said that if I need to have ultrasound between now and my next appointment for "my sanity", she said to not hesitate to call. I thought that was really nice. The baby is measuring a few days ahead, which makes the early positive pregnancy tests make more sense. I apparently ovulated really early in my cycle. We definitely weren't trying, and if we had been, I would have just assumed that I was going to ovulate around day 14 like I usually do, and we would have missed it.

I, of course, am not ready to just assume that I'm going to have a baby in late August/early September, but I have to admit that I'm feeling just a little bit hopeful.

My next appointment is Friday, February 15th. I should be 11 weeks then. It will probably be a long 4 weeks.

-Andie (7W2D)

So I went and had my blood test yesterday

I didn't want to do it, but I figured that the dr's office would be annoyed if I went to my appointment on Friday and I hadn't had it done. I called to get my results this morning and the dr's office said that they weren't in. Of course, they called back when I was out. So I called them back and let them know that I was home and they could call anytime. That was an hour and a half ago and I still haven't heard back yet. I mean, now that I got the blood test results, I feel like I need to know that numbers, but I probably shouldn't find out. I'm either going to freak out because they seem too low or too high. I really should just wait and go to my appointment on Friday and have the ultrasound. On Friday, I should be able to see a little baby with a heartbeat. I haven't had any problems, but I'm still having a hard time feeling hopeful. I just keep wondering what the point is of going through this pregnancy, however long it lasts, but especially if it is over soon? And if I do manage to carry to term and I have a healthy, normal baby, was this baby meant to be? Did this child need to be here for a reason? Or is this all just random?

Andie (6W2D)

Edited to add: I did get my numbers back later today. My beta HCG level was 29,886 and my progesterone was 31.4. Totally normal numbers for where I am in the pregnancy. It makes me feel a little better, but it still doesn't guarantee that I'll see a heartbeat on Friday.

My sister had some testing done

She did some more bloodwork and had an ultrasound done by a specialist, and he said that there doesn't appear to be any indications that her baby has down's syndrome. They also were able to find out that the baby is a girl! She has two boys and one girl now.

I was finally able to straighten out the insurance situation. What a gigantic hassle!

I went on a job interview yesterday. I've been working as a preschool teacher out of my home for five years now, and I really don't want to give it up, but $$$ has been tight for most of that time too, and I felt like I needed to at least explore this opportunity. My BIL works at the company and sort of got me the interview, but I'm o.k. with that. LOL The interview went pretty well. I'll hear back at the end of the month.

Of course, I worry a little bit about the pregnancy and what that would mean if I needed to take a six week maternity leave only six months after taking the position. And when I was working when my girls were small, I always took a twelve week maternity leave. There is no way that I could take off that long if I took this position, not to mention, any leave I took would be mostly unpaid, and we couldn't afford for me to not be bringing in any $$ for more than a couple of weeks.

But I've decided for the most part to not worry about all that. Who knows whether this pregnancy will last and who knows whether I'll even get the job.

I wish that there was more things that I DID know as I went through this journey called Life. It would certainly make things less stressful.

I have an OB appointment next Friday. They will do an ultrasound to check for a heartbeat, and if there is a heartbeat, do loads of bloodwork.

-Andie (5W4D)

The world doesn't revolve around me

My sister is currently pregnant with a miracle pregnancy. She had three children fairly easily. Two years ago, she had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. Then a year ago,, she was diagnosed with a large liver hemagioma, and she has had some major complications as a result of it. She was told not to get pregnant again. In September, her husband was told that he now had an extremely low sperm count, most likely as a result of his recent diabetes diagnosis. In October, my sister discovered that she had conceived. She wasn't sure how it could have happened because they only time that it could have would have been very, very late in her cycle. They figured that they were in a "non-fertile" period. At first, it didn't appear that the pregnancy was viable because her numbers were so low, but after a couple more weeks, they determined that she must have ovulated/conceived very late. She met with a liver specialist who felt that she could continue with the pregnancy, but that there was always the chance, albiet relatively low, that the pregnancy would cause internal bleeding from her liver.

Everything has been going along fine with her pregnancy for weeks now. She is around 16 weeks now. She went this morning for a regular OB appointment. She had some nuchal fold ultrasound down at her 12 week appointment, and it showed a low chance of a child with down syndrome. However, they took some blood at the time too and they combine the results of the nuchal fold test along with the results of the blood test. She found out today that the bloodwork came back positive for down's syndrome. She is going to have more bloodwork done, and another ultrasound. She should have more definite answers in a week.

She seems to be handling it well. She said that it will o.k. either way. She has always felt that they would have a down's syndrome baby, and that if she does, she will welcome the child with love. She knows that it would be a challenge for herself and her whole family though.

I am quite fearful that the baby I'm carrying has down's syndrome. I'm ashamed to admit that I wouldn't handle the news as well as my sister is handling it.

- Andie (5 Weeks 2 days)

Not much to report

I honestly thought that this pregnancy would be over by now. I haven't had any symptoms of a miscarriage yet, although it is still really early, so it could still happen. I had my last miscarriage at almost 14 weeks, and my first at 7 weeks, so I still have weeks and weeks to go before I feel in the clear on that. I still don't really anticipate that I will have a baby at the end of this. I am not feeling all that pregnant this week. I feel like I will go to my next appointment and that there will be no heartbeat.

Of course, who knows if I will even be able to go to my next appointment? I'm dealing with a gigantic insurance situation right now. I technically have private individual insurance until January 28th, but there is no maternity coverage (didn't think I'd be needing it!) I applied in December (before I knew I was pregnant) for insurance through the state because I would pay quite a bit less for my monthly premium thorugh the state insurance plan. Also, I know that they have maternity coverage. So when I went for my dr. appointment last Friday, I told them that I needed to get the card from the state and that I would fax them a copy as soon as it arrived. I didn't tell them that I had other insurance because I knew that the other insurance company wouldn't cover it anyway. The dr's office begrudgingly agreed to wait to get the card, but told me that I needed to have a copy of it before I could see the dr. for my next appointment. I've called the state every day since last Wednesday, usually three or four times a day, and I can't get the caseworker to call me back. So I only have 10 1/2 days to a) get my caseworker to call me back and get her to fax the information to my drs. office b) receive a copy of my card in the mail and fax it to the office or c) get enough $$ to pay for the visit out of pocket, plus the first visit (NOT going to happen). I'm also supposed to go get that bloodwork done before my next visit, and I can't get that done either until this insurance thing is straightened out. I don't know if I am going to have it done anyway, but at this point, I don't even have the option of deciding whether or not to do it.

Time goes by SOOOOOOOOOOOOO slowly during early pregnancy. It seems like I've known about this pregnancy forever, and it has only been 15 days.

- Andie (5W1D)

I went to the dr. today

It is NOT an ectopic pregnancy. The midwife saw a sac in the uterus. It looks like I'm about 5 weeks along, which is pretty close according to my LMP (technically, I'm 4W4D.) She also saw a normal to a little large cyst on my right side that could be cause for some of the pain. She also said that I have a pretty bad bladder infection, which also could be causing the pain on the right side. I also have a little "spot" that could have been a subchorionic hemmorrage, but she said that it looks like it is resolving itself now instead of starting. It is pretty close to the baby, and I asked her if that was a problem and she said that it shouldn't be. I'm not sure if I believe her, but whatever.

I also am supposed to go to the lab and get a beta hCG and progesterone check, but I'm going to wait until Monday to do it, if I do it at all.

So now it is just a waiting game. And it's a long wait too. I've got to get past the 7 week ultrasound check for the heartbeat, and then past 13 weeks to get past the date of my last miscarriage, and then I'm going to do amnio around 15-16 weeks and it will be a few weeks after that before I know anything. So I've got about 4 months before I'll feel like this pregnancy is going to go o.k.

- Andie (4W4D)

So he knows . . . .

I wasn't going to tell my husband about this pregnancy. We had a long talk about a month and he told me how difficult it would be for him if I got pregnant again. We had talked about it briefly on and off for the last year, but I didn't understand until that night how much he really did not want to have another baby. So I figured that this pregnancy would probably be over soon, and that it would just cause him more stress to tell him, and that it just be better to not tell him.

But then he asked me if I was, and I sat there for a few moments debating about telling the truth or lying, and I finally decided to go with the truth.

I am still not feeling very positive that this is a viable pregnancy. I think that this pregnancy is most likely an ectopic pregnancy. I have several symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy. Unfortunately, it is tough to diagnose an ectopic pregnancy until 7 weeks. I wasn't even going to tell my doctor, but I finally decided yesterday to give them a heads up about the situation. The dr. wants me to come in on Friday. They probably will do a blood test, but at this point, all that will really tell me is that I'm pregnant, and I already know that. They'll probably schedule an ultrasound for 6 1/2 weeks too. And tell me to go to the ER if I have severe pain or bleeding. I'm a little annoyed that I have to go to the dr. this week anyway. Nobody can tell me for a couple weeks if this pregnancy is viable, and I think that the dr. appointment is going to cause me more stress than I already have.