I'm finding a place lately

where I think that I'm finally accepting your death, and finally accepting that I will have no babies.

For a long time, I just missed you. I didn't want to have another baby, I just wanted you to be alive, and for me to be able to give birth to you, and for me to be able to raise you. I still want that. But I am getting to that place, it's starting to be long enough ago, that I can accept that it can't/won't happen.

And then of course, there have been more babies. Many of my friends, and even my sister, has had a baby since you left. That was hard. Sometimes, it really, really, really hurt. It seemed so unfair. And after you had been gone a year, there was a bit of a change, where I found myself missing you, but also just wanting to have a baby. There was such a hole in my heart from where you left, and it was just so hard and sad to end my childbearing days with your loss. I didn't want it to end that way. I really wanted to have another child. I had always wanted to have four children. And so many people had at least four children. Why couldn't it be me?? But every time I thought about it, I also thought how it couldn't happen. I was almost 42 when you left. I'm 43 now. Things are not the same in many, many things in my life, and there are reasons that I just cannot have another child. And there are reasons that I can't adopt. I knew in my head that I would not have another child, but it was still a struggle every day. And now, I'm finally beginning to accept that it can't/won't happen.

And I'm not completely over it. I probably never will be. But eighteen months later, I'm coming to a place. One where I'm still sad about it, still think about you every day, but to a place where I can go to the store without tearing up when I see a large family. A place where I don't think about when a baby would be due if I got pregnant this week. A place where I am able to spend a little more time appreciating my children on earth. A time where it feels o.k. to remember you without being overcome and unable to function. A time when I can get you a pumpkin for Halloween and make you an ornament for Christmas, but that I don't feel SO sad about that you aren't here to share the holiday that I am unable to really enjoy the holiday.

But I will always remember you. Don't worry that one day that I'll come to a place where I have forgotten you. I will never reach that place.